I ran away in floods of shame.

I ran away in floods of shame
I’ll never tell how close I came
As I crossed the Holland Road
Well, you went left and I went right
As the moon hung proud and bright
You would have loved it here tonight

Spin me ‘round just to pin me down on the cover of this strange bed
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down

Wrap up your questions, keep them down
Let the water lead us home
And I was sorry for what I’d done
When you were young, I was not old
But our story was not told
But torn apart by greedy hands

Spin me ‘round just to pin me down on the cover of this strange bed
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8P6U_80r7Y

Jazz bar on Monday, Free ticket on Tuesday

I'm going to spice things up with this lovely font.

I've been feeling a little less than awesome these past few days. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but it bums me out. The worst part is, I should be flying high as a kite right now. Monday night, I went to watch my roommate the jazz singer (not to be confused with the to-be cantor who wears black face from the very first talkie) at a wine and chocolate bar with some really cool, fun people. Last night, one of my flatmates (you can tell I've been living with Europeans) took me to see Phantom of the Opera because she got free tickets. I am very happy with both of those things, and I'm definitely falling more and more in love with life every single day. I just think that personally, I've gotten my priorities confused, once again. It's kind of a running theme, my tragic flaw. Priorities. I rely too much on my gut and feelings. Maybe it's not my priorities though. Maybe it's because my roommate sang "Nature Boy" and when she got to the line "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return", I...no, maybe it was in Phantom when "All I Ask of You" started playing and everything came rushing back to me and then for the first time in my life, I saw the phantom as a monster (before that moment, I have always been desperately in love with the phantom) and wanted to yell at him towards the end at being stupid for not realizing what he had done until it was too late.
I really do love my life here. It's wonderful, a dream, everything I could wish for. I don't even know what else to say. I can't express what I'm feeling right now. It's frustrating to struggle with putting feelings into words, and yet I have this problem quite often. Today in acting class, we did an exercise where we lied on the ground with the lights off. We were instructed to think of a funny moment and then laugh when signaled; a sad moment and then say one word associated with it over and over, and the same with an angry moment. Eventually we would quickly go back and forth through the emotions-talk about mood swings. It was good to release all of those emotions though. I need to take my work here more seriously though. I am going to incorporate that exercise into my daily warm-up. I cannot keep letting my feelings get in the way of my success, which is something I've always struggled with. I've always been a very selfless actor-I let other people steal the scene, I try to highlight other people. It's time that I take what I need out of this program without worrying about everyone else. I need to release my emotions and leave them there, in my acting class. I'll pull them out when I need them and when I'm ready, which I mistakenly thought I was. I feel very bitter having written all of this out, but I have to remind myself that I'm allowed to focus on myself from time to time.
I just realized how disorganized this post is. I don't know why I thought Phantom and Nature Boy were relevant, but I just had to get it out there. My heart breaks for the boy who won't jump when he falls in love, and maybe that's just been on my mind too much lately. My heart needs to toughen up.

Concrete Jungle

Alas, I have arrived in this glorious city! It's beautiful and exciting and I feel right where I belong. I think part of the reason I don't feel homesick is because I feel so at peace here. I've decided I think I will cut my hair. Funny, because I've been saying I want to grow it out. That's just me being fickle for ya. Moving on, I am babysitting for the best family in the world, I'm offered so many great opportunities here, and I absolutely love my flatmates. 3 Brits, 1 Welly (I don't know what the correct term would be, but "welly" fits her), 2 Americans (inlcuding me!), 1 Canadian, 1 Aussie, and 2 Norwegians! The diversity is WONDERFUL! Every morning I wake up to a myriad of accents, and I am delighted to be surrounded by such sounds.
This week, we have basically just done little orientation and meet-and-greets. We have a wonderful CA named Mr. **** Kelly. He is very efficient, and we decided he can be our Mormon husband, which makes me Grace Kelly. This news was absolutely worth taking down. I am currently looking at ballet classes and other such things. Starting tomorrow, I will be constantly engulfed in work and study. Even over the summer, I plan to spend half the time at home taking courses and working, and then half the summer away training to be a yogini and working. Working, working, working and learning, learning, learning! I think it will help with my insomnia and overthinking. We also get free therapy sessions through the school's health insurance so I might check that out, but for now I will just immerse myself in what I love. My brother gave me some really great advice last night. He said, "You'll find someone doing something that you love to do." I know what he meant when he said it, but I think the person I need to find is myself. I keep losing myself, but I have a feeling I'm not far away. I'm the person who will reap the benefits of all my goals; no one is going to be able to glom on to me because of what I've done. I'm certain that I'm just getting better every day and I'm sticking with myself through it all; I think I deserve someone who would stick with me, too.

Grace is Gone

I'm listening to Grace is Gone by Dave Matthews Band and I'm wondering if anyone else is listening, too. I'm about to really be gone, gone for good. And packing up to be gone for good can be a somewhat (or rather, EXTREMELY) daunting task. There are some things I'm still using, or never used, or need to return, or need to give one last go before being put away. For example, Coco and I just had  to use my Alice and Wonderland tea set one last time before I started packing. Coco is quite a good guest to have to tea, I'd say second only to the Queen of England herself. It will be difficult finding a new tea guest in New York to measure up to her.

Aside from that, I really don't have a fit mind for packing. Not at the moment, at least. I have at least 18 tabs constantly up on my Internet window (yes, I know. It's going to slow down my computer, blah blah blah) and I feel that is the best literal representation for my thoughts at the moment. I have so many of them, and I'm trying to sort through things, but it's driving me crazy! At times, I feel the best way to mend this is to just keep working through it and cross things off my to-do list, and other times I feel it's best to just sit back and watch (insert t.v. I've been marathoning here) while knitting, learning how to solve the Rubik's cube or another equally handsy project.

 These are things I've piled on to my bed to pack up. Clothes and a Madame Alexander Cinderella doll. Yeah.

 Oh, and this is a fabulous, ancient dress. It's old and grey, and lovely. Where else could I wear this but New York?

 These are things I need to return to people. They are not mine, and I don't need to keep anything that's not mine when I leave. The debt-free relationship rule doesn't just have to do with paying back student loans.

 This is my office, mid-pack-adventure. It's a mess.

 My mom bought me this skirt. In fact, I'm probably one of the last 18-year-olds whose mother still buys most of her clothes. But if your mother was buying marvelous things like this, wouldn't you be pleased?

An old friend and a gift from a good friend.

 I like my friends, although I once again realized today that I think I like my old teachers more than most (not all, just most) of my friends.

Opera glasses and a vintage curling iron. What could be more fantastic?













Another development? I've decided what I'll do after my two years of acting immersion. I'll obviously try to pursue acting as a career, but I will be simultaneously obtaining a double major in bioengineering and psychology; I will experiment with stem cells as well as study the effects on the mind and quality of life. Then I'll get my PhD. I envision leaving the lab early one day to accept an Oscar. It's just what I envision, the details are subject to vary slightly.

Star Wars, Knitting, Vonnegut

Let me start off by saying that I sent in my housing deposit for the Academy last night, so basically...if I don't go at this point, I'll just be really embarrassed. And poorer. That being said, I'M GOING TO NEW YORK! It still feels weird to say that definitely, but like I said...this could all still fall through at any moment, so you should go buy a lollipop. They are homemade and delicious. http://www.etsy.com/shop/PipseyPops

Also, I'll be putting up homemade Norman Rockwell envelopes on Etsy soon. Here's a sneak peek!

Anyway, I have less then two weeks until move-in and I just got my reading list for the semester, which pretty much means I'm on overload. Ordinarily, I would have finished the reading list two weeks ago, and I would have been packed pretty much by the same time, not to mention all of the little things that I have to make (organic soap, a pencil pouch...you know, the usual stuff). My to-do list has gone from long to impossible within the past week. I've been adding new dreams and goals, and of course everything I need to do in order to be 120% prepared for the big apple. I wonder if when I become a native, I'll regret calling it that. I have been taking my mega-to-do-list and breaking it down day-by-day.
An example of a schedule for the day (this was today):

• Make a mini quote book. You know those little inspirational books filled with short quotes? Well, I want to make one. I have quotes on my wall, but sometimes I need a pick-me-up when I can't just glance up at posters in my office. This wasn't intended to be completed today; I just went ahead and jotted it down as a reminder. 

• Practice guitar. I've been slacking on this one. Didn't get around to it today, either.
• Meet George Lucas and Stan Lee. Once again, more of a reminder that this should happen sometime in the near future, but not today. (Note, complain to George Lucas about the lack of blondes in Star Wars. Come on, bud. Also, advocate Ms. Marvel's participation in one of the future Avengers movies...and then asking him kindly if I could be her.)
• Iron bags for "fabric".
• Watch Star Wars.
• Make or find/buy a Hero's Journey poster as it applies to Star Wars.
• Scan books from library and upload them to my computer.
• Make progress on Big Bang Theory viewing (I'm on season 3!)
• Print eBay label for my brother
• Babysit
• Go to work
• Call a school
• Call the dentist (I intend to go to New York cavity-free).
• Stop by the bank
• Stop by the library

The funny thing is, even when I plan out my to-do list for the day, it rarely helps accomplish anything related to my stress. I realize this. I am a silly person. I am also a warrior goddess though, so it's all good.

To justify my watching Star Wars: I recently bought a Star Wars lunchbox  instead of DIYing one, (I guess DingIM...Doing it myself), so I felt inspired, nay, obligated, to watch it. Plus, I learned a valuable lesson. I have always loved Princess Leia and aspired to have her courage and determination, but I realized that while I typically end up falling for Han Solo-types, I am more like Padme than Leia so I should probably find someone more like Anakin (I like their story better anyway). The funniest part is that I always liked Luke best. Oh well. This is all hypothetical anyway because I have decided I don't want to be in a relationship again until I'm debt-free, and I decided that by that point, I will probably have no interest in being in a relationship at all. I shall never marry and I will possibly adopt. Of course, this has only been my inclination for the past week, so it may change. May.
Other things I've added on to my goal list include learning Russian, German, Portuguese, Italian, Spanish, and French. Then I shall travel to Russia and Germany. The other places will have their chance too so if you're from one of those countries, fear not. I will make my way to you someday.

Important updates in my life. I read God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian last night in the tub. It was a short read. Mr. Vonnegut is from Indiana, so I sort of feel a kindred spirit (my grandparents met him! I don't know the whole story, so it could just be an awkward hello in the grocery store...or it could be that they met and went to tea and had a marvelous time but lost all contact) in him. I highly recommend the book.

I've also been knitting a lot lately. I'm working on a Slytherin scarf! It's marvelous (and huge!). At work, the kids saw me knitting and have been asking me to make things for them-some even joined in (God bless you, children)! I've made three headbands for little girls, and I have to say they are pretty stinkin' cute. I'll upload a picture when I get a headband on my sister's head rather than the kids at the day care.

Oh, and I bought a tool kit from Ikea. I will never ask anyone to come help me. I have my own hammer and wrench now.

Children, children

Okay, obviously I am currently desiring nothing more but to go to NYC, but I have to say...I LOVE my job! It might just be what I'd miss most if I actually go... Let me share a few anecdotes to show exactly why I love my job.

Last week, I started making a (SWEET) space ship at the Lego table with one of the little girls, and this group of little boys sat near by watching. The next day, I walked by and one of the kids said, "Excuse me, Miss Grace, will you be on our Lego team?" I have never been asked to be on someone's Lego team, so of course I was overjoyed and graciously accepted! And when I said yes, the group of boys audibly cheered!

Another boy told me that nothing ever lasts, and I told him that was true. His friend tapped on my shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but love lasts."

One of my favorite little boys has actually partially restored my faith in people. There is always a lot of superhero talk out on the playground, which usually leads to me being chased by 4-year-olds pretending to be the Avengers. I brought in my brand-spankin'-new Star Wars lunchbox which I just bought (it's one of the old, vintage tin kind), and the kids were super jealous. Anyway, today, I asked one of the little boys who his favorite superhero is and he pointed at me. Once again: day. made. Then later, when we were sitting for lunch, he stared off into space instead of eating his lunch. When I asked him if he was hungry he said, "Yes. But I'm very busy right now. I'm thinking." A few minutes of silence passed by, and he said very thoughtfully, "The air is shaped like a balloon." It was too cute.

I've already started looking at nanny jobs and daycare jobs in NYC- I need some way to pay the rent! To give you an update, I'm currently looking into selling my car and selling the Norman Rockwell envelopes I made last night. My mom is still hard at work on her lollipops too! If anyone hasn't looked yet, go check out Pipsey Pops on Etsy! You can even ask for customized lollipops! That's all, folks.

Pinteresting!

Hey, you can also follow me on Pinterest! <a href="http://pinterest.com/ghsammons12/"><img src="http://passets-lt.pinterest.com/images/about/buttons/follow-me-on-pinterest-button.png" width="169" height="28" alt="Follow Me on Pinterest" /></a>

I don't have the coolest pins in the world...but of course I think that I do (:

Busy, busy!

This week I started two jobs: the first at a nursery school summer camp (8:00-1:00) and the second at an after-school daycare (2:00-6:00). Needless to say, I've been busy. Not only do I have this work to do, but my classes at school started this week, and there have been some developments in the AADA story. My mom told me yesterday that we are going to do whatever we can to make it happen. She's making lollipops (very yummy, by the way! If you get a chance, head over to Etsy and check out Pipsey Pops!) to sell. Of course I took this knowledge, and my mother's comment, and ran with it. The lollipops are in an effort to help me not be in absolute debt after school, as most people are! I figured if my mom was doing that, I could put in my own talents as well. And with that....I will reveal my product as soon as it's up on Etsy (: I'm really excited!

In addition to my plans to actually get there, I've been planning what I'll do when I get there. I in no way intend to drop my process of becoming undeniably awesome. I've already started looking at classes to take in New York! And I've looked into getting a job. That would be an absolute necessity. I also have a few lists of college packing and apartment organizing and decorating, and loads of d.i.y. projects! One of my top to-do's is comparing diets (I feel like I should go in with a plan or else I'll only eat Ramen, and I really don't want that...), gym memberships, and d.i.y. recipes for household cleaning products. I've got a lot of work to do! And obviously, I need to get there!

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)/Land Down Under

Never settle for a guy who wouldn't walk 1000 miles to be with you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbNlMtqrYS0
Seriously. For more ridiculous links and exciting updates, follow darkblue1212 on Twitter.

Here's the video of me dancing!

(the sound/video quality are not good! Just a warning!)

The dancing helps. And me putting a video of it up is me exercising humility (:

My Future

I sat down the other day and took a good look at my future and my dreams, and basically what I'd like to do with my life. While I believe in living in the moment, this method of living has caused me to spend a disgusting amount of money on retail therapy when I could have saved that money for something useful. I made a list of things that are worth my money and came up with this:

1. My education- college, graduate school, and whatever the heck I decide I want to do after (I kind of see myself going back to school a few different times so that I can have my bachelor's in multiple disciplines)
2. My wedding-I started looking at dresses and locations after watching How I Met Your Mother and seeing Lily and Marshall getting married and realized that I might need to actually save up my money for some of these things...especially if I plan to get married at Duns Castle or Chatsworth House (Mr. Darcy's estate!)
3. My Honeymoon...
4. A house (: or an apartment, or really just anywhere to live...it could be a hut, who knows.
5. Children- having a baby is expensive, yo.
6. Travel- around the world, just to Germany or Russia or Italy...or all 3!

After I made this list, I made jars for the four things I felt were most important out of the six. For each jar, I designated a type of coin so that if I have spare change, I know exactly where to put it!


Anyway, I sat down and decided that first and foremost, I'd like to major in acting and psychology. Then I looked at journalism, becoming a teacher of professor, becoming a screenwriter, working for Pixar and becoming a Rhodes Scholar. I had come up with a pretty nice plan when all of a sudden, I got a phone call from the director at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in New York. And I was accepted. I didn't find my application or audition noteworthy because quite frankly I didn't expect to get in. So, now...I have this entirely new prospect looming over me. And here I thought I'd planned everything out.

Trip to the Library

When I feel an overload in my life, I like to return to my sanctuary: the library. Since Freshman year, I've been retreating to the library for a place to focus, the answers to all my questions, and an escape. Sometimes, I let my little friends join me. Two weeks ago, I went to the library and decided to work on my massive book list (remember, over 400 books? Yeah...I'm trying to make a mini-dent in it). I selected the youngest of my little brothers and sisters (they really might have volunteered) and set forth to the library. While my almost-6-year-old sister went flying through the shelves, I went upstairs to the "grown-up" books. *Excuse me while I interrupt myself for a moment. My dad is currently going through my sister's closet...that same Sassy almost-6-year-old I just mentioned-and he told her that she needs 10 outfits for school this year because that will last two weeks of school...anyone who knows Sassy should not be surprised with the look she just gave him. One of those you-are-so-wrong-but-really-I-pity-you-not-knowing-any-better. She's a prize.* I ended up getting a good amount of books (50 was our limit, but they weren't ALL mine!), and have since read a handful of them. Off my book list, I read Frankenstein, Screwtape Letters, 12 Angry Men and Fight Club. Frankenstein was absolutely delightful! Most kids at school read it sophomore year, but my class didn't get around to it, and I have since been sad about that...not anymore! For those of you who haven't seen the movie, Fight Club is not for the weak-stomached of the world. Anyway, among the other books I finished was an excellent book entitled It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt and his wife Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. Mr. Behrendt also co-wrote He's Just Not that Into You which I read about two and half years ago. Both books have made a pretty big impact on me. Every thought I had about my recent breakup was written down in black and white in this book, and it was extremely helpful. Here are some of the quotes I found especially useful:

"The person you loved took a good long look ar the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together and said, 'No, thanks I'll try my luck elsewhere.' Or you said it to him. Either way, that alone should make you realize that it wasn't a match made in heaven and they're not worth donning overalls for. Anyone who assess your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears."
"If he's going to come to the conclusion that you guys should be together, he's going to do it on his own."
"If a man breaks up with you, he should give back the T.V."

...anyway, like I said, great book. My heart is still broken and I'm still in love, but at least I know what the next few steps are to feeling better. Namely, I've decided to be my own best friend because I like myself a lot. Also, I've decided I need to dance everyday (I will include a video of what type of dancing I'm talking about), possibly change my phone number, sing "Heart of Glass" everytime I drive, not talk to him for sixty days, and do things for myself, not for anyone else.

Books I also got from the library that I will be reading next:

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
Women are Crazy, Men are Stupid by Howard J. Morris and Jenny Lee
The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
1985 by Anthony Burgess
Jailbird by Kurt Vonnegut
The Iliad...Homer, duh
God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian by Kurt Vonnegut
Slapstick Also, by Mr. Vonnegut

I also got some book about why comic books were created and what made them become so popular and that kind of thing, but the name is escaping me currently (or really, the book is in the other room and I don't feel like going to get it).

As far as my other lists, I've knocked off a little bit from my TV list. I finished the series Extras, and have watched a few seasons of Tosh.0, Glee, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and 30 Rock. Pretty much, I'm making good head-way!

Life

I just want to surround myself with beautiful things and see my dreams come true.

Starting off...

Becoming undeniably awesome is technically impossible. No matter who you are, someone is going to not like you. Seriously, it happens. So, when I say undeniably, I'm ignoring those feeble-minded people who can't see how fabulous I am. They don't count. Nevertheless, it is still a difficult task. Even if you take out those feeble-minded plebians, there's always the number critic: myself. It's hard to ignore myself, but that might just be what I need to do. That, or simply convince myself how I awesome I am. If only it were that simple. First, I have to accept all of the not-so awesome things about myself. This is in no way supposed to be a I-Hate-Myself but an honest analysis. Everyone has problems, and I know what mine are, for the most part. Plus, there are some things that I just wish I could do. Thinking of these things produced my "Goals" list. Not to be confused with my "Resolutions" list from the beginning of the year. Yes, I'm a list person. I enjoy making lists so much, I got the Astrid list app for my phone (there's a website too! It makes organization a lot easier than trying to do everything on my phone). I have a book list (433 books), a movie list (262 movies), a game list (only 14 games-won't go into effect until I have my xbox), and a few other basic to-do lists, by category (school, work, etc.). The point of all this rambling is nonexistent. Without further ado, my list:

1. Learn to not be jealous. This is a biggie for me. While I have always been pretty fabulous, I often forget. I once read that if women could get along, they would rule the world. It's sad but true. I see other wonderful women and rather than celebrating their talents, I am selfish and I get very jealous. This has ruined more than friendship in my life, and I am done with letting the green monster get in the way of me living happily.
2. Mend my relationships. This is somewhat related to #1, but it's more about priorities for me. I have many broken relationships in my life, mostly in my family. Family is supposed to be reliable and connected, so mending the way I treat my family is very important to me.
3. Eat healthy, get fit. I am naturally a skin-and-bones person. I love to eat, typically crappy foods, and like most skinny girls, I have trouble gaining weight. Gorging myself is not the answer. Skinny, fat, or normal-sized are words that don't really matter anymore. Healthy is my goal, and eating healthy foods and getting regular exercise are my tools to achieve this.
4. Learn to play Moonlight Sonata on the piano. I've always wanted to learn to play the piano, and I think for personal reasons this would the song I most want to play.
5. Learn to play the guitar. From the best big brother in the world (: Starting in the next few weeks, he'll be teaching me.
6. Become a warrior princess. 'Nough said.
7.  Learn to knit and learn how to use my sewing machine.
8. Have good posture.
9. Take a ballet class.
10. Learn to play tennis.
11. Sign up for a fencing class.
12. Learn how to shoot a bow and arrow...well.
13. Learn to play guitar (this shall commence soon thanks to the best older brother ever)
14. Become a pro at chess.
15. Become a pro at poker.
16. Become flexible (in both ways)
17. Start following news, and actually understand what's going on.

I don't want to pretend that my list of goals makes sense or is intended to make me a good person or anything. Just things that I plan to do this year... That's enough chit chat for now. Time to be awesome!