Six o'clock in the morn'

I hate waking up at 6:00 in the morning. There's something about being awake at that time that feels very ungodly... that is, unless I've been awake all night. In that case, there's something very beautiful about surviving to six without any injuries.

I haven't written in quite a while. I realized a few days ago that I only truly feel motivated to get on here when I absolutely love my idea of what to write. People constantly put things off for perfection. But that's the thing: I don't expect my posts to be at close to perfect, so why should I let that stop me?This epiphany has given me the freedom to write.

That being said, I don't actually have much of anything to say. I have been writing and re-writing to-do lists these past few days, and I've crossed off a surprising amount of tasks. Not only that, I'm slowly but surely accomplishing some of my New Year's Resolutions. Let me just say, I'm not deluded into thinking every new year should bring a "new me", and a "new way of life". However, I do allow others treating this natural progression of time as such to serve as a reminder to me that maybe I should check in with some things.

I've been working on several of my goals, and I've added a few as well. I've been feeling a little scatter-brained lately; I want to travel and see the world, and I have been hunting for the perfect summer internship, and I've been watching seasons at a time of Seinfeld, and I've been reading lots and lots of plays and novels, and...well, you know... there's a lot on my mind. I feel very empowered though. One of my classmates (an older gentleman...62 to be exact...and clearly full of wisdom and life experience) told me that when he looks at me, he sees a whole lot of energy, constantly moving forward. I have been thinking about that a lot lately, and making sure that I do in fact continue to move forward in everything I do.

A quick note on freedom and independence. I have possibly broken my promise about never dating again. In fact, I've had a boyfriend for about two months now. I felt for a while that I had broken a promise to myself, but I know now that my promise had nothing to do with what I wanted. All I want is to be happy and remain true to myself, and I have that. Before I started dating my new boyfriend, I was still a slave to my past, and all of my promises, to myself or otherwise, were made with another in mind. I feel more independent and free now than I did before. This doesn't mean I don't spend a lot of my time with my boyfriend, or that I don't consider what he wants in most situations, but I do these things by choice and NOT because I feel an obligation to. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

I ran away in floods of shame.

I ran away in floods of shame
I’ll never tell how close I came
As I crossed the Holland Road
Well, you went left and I went right
As the moon hung proud and bright
You would have loved it here tonight

Spin me ‘round just to pin me down on the cover of this strange bed
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down

Wrap up your questions, keep them down
Let the water lead us home
And I was sorry for what I’d done
When you were young, I was not old
But our story was not told
But torn apart by greedy hands

Spin me ‘round just to pin me down on the cover of this strange bed
Spin me ‘round just to pin me down


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8P6U_80r7Y

Jazz bar on Monday, Free ticket on Tuesday

I'm going to spice things up with this lovely font.

I've been feeling a little less than awesome these past few days. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but it bums me out. The worst part is, I should be flying high as a kite right now. Monday night, I went to watch my roommate the jazz singer (not to be confused with the to-be cantor who wears black face from the very first talkie) at a wine and chocolate bar with some really cool, fun people. Last night, one of my flatmates (you can tell I've been living with Europeans) took me to see Phantom of the Opera because she got free tickets. I am very happy with both of those things, and I'm definitely falling more and more in love with life every single day. I just think that personally, I've gotten my priorities confused, once again. It's kind of a running theme, my tragic flaw. Priorities. I rely too much on my gut and feelings. Maybe it's not my priorities though. Maybe it's because my roommate sang "Nature Boy" and when she got to the line "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return", I...no, maybe it was in Phantom when "All I Ask of You" started playing and everything came rushing back to me and then for the first time in my life, I saw the phantom as a monster (before that moment, I have always been desperately in love with the phantom) and wanted to yell at him towards the end at being stupid for not realizing what he had done until it was too late.
I really do love my life here. It's wonderful, a dream, everything I could wish for. I don't even know what else to say. I can't express what I'm feeling right now. It's frustrating to struggle with putting feelings into words, and yet I have this problem quite often. Today in acting class, we did an exercise where we lied on the ground with the lights off. We were instructed to think of a funny moment and then laugh when signaled; a sad moment and then say one word associated with it over and over, and the same with an angry moment. Eventually we would quickly go back and forth through the emotions-talk about mood swings. It was good to release all of those emotions though. I need to take my work here more seriously though. I am going to incorporate that exercise into my daily warm-up. I cannot keep letting my feelings get in the way of my success, which is something I've always struggled with. I've always been a very selfless actor-I let other people steal the scene, I try to highlight other people. It's time that I take what I need out of this program without worrying about everyone else. I need to release my emotions and leave them there, in my acting class. I'll pull them out when I need them and when I'm ready, which I mistakenly thought I was. I feel very bitter having written all of this out, but I have to remind myself that I'm allowed to focus on myself from time to time.
I just realized how disorganized this post is. I don't know why I thought Phantom and Nature Boy were relevant, but I just had to get it out there. My heart breaks for the boy who won't jump when he falls in love, and maybe that's just been on my mind too much lately. My heart needs to toughen up.

Concrete Jungle

Alas, I have arrived in this glorious city! It's beautiful and exciting and I feel right where I belong. I think part of the reason I don't feel homesick is because I feel so at peace here. I've decided I think I will cut my hair. Funny, because I've been saying I want to grow it out. That's just me being fickle for ya. Moving on, I am babysitting for the best family in the world, I'm offered so many great opportunities here, and I absolutely love my flatmates. 3 Brits, 1 Welly (I don't know what the correct term would be, but "welly" fits her), 2 Americans (inlcuding me!), 1 Canadian, 1 Aussie, and 2 Norwegians! The diversity is WONDERFUL! Every morning I wake up to a myriad of accents, and I am delighted to be surrounded by such sounds.
This week, we have basically just done little orientation and meet-and-greets. We have a wonderful CA named Mr. **** Kelly. He is very efficient, and we decided he can be our Mormon husband, which makes me Grace Kelly. This news was absolutely worth taking down. I am currently looking at ballet classes and other such things. Starting tomorrow, I will be constantly engulfed in work and study. Even over the summer, I plan to spend half the time at home taking courses and working, and then half the summer away training to be a yogini and working. Working, working, working and learning, learning, learning! I think it will help with my insomnia and overthinking. We also get free therapy sessions through the school's health insurance so I might check that out, but for now I will just immerse myself in what I love. My brother gave me some really great advice last night. He said, "You'll find someone doing something that you love to do." I know what he meant when he said it, but I think the person I need to find is myself. I keep losing myself, but I have a feeling I'm not far away. I'm the person who will reap the benefits of all my goals; no one is going to be able to glom on to me because of what I've done. I'm certain that I'm just getting better every day and I'm sticking with myself through it all; I think I deserve someone who would stick with me, too.

Grace is Gone

I'm listening to Grace is Gone by Dave Matthews Band and I'm wondering if anyone else is listening, too. I'm about to really be gone, gone for good. And packing up to be gone for good can be a somewhat (or rather, EXTREMELY) daunting task. There are some things I'm still using, or never used, or need to return, or need to give one last go before being put away. For example, Coco and I just had  to use my Alice and Wonderland tea set one last time before I started packing. Coco is quite a good guest to have to tea, I'd say second only to the Queen of England herself. It will be difficult finding a new tea guest in New York to measure up to her.

Aside from that, I really don't have a fit mind for packing. Not at the moment, at least. I have at least 18 tabs constantly up on my Internet window (yes, I know. It's going to slow down my computer, blah blah blah) and I feel that is the best literal representation for my thoughts at the moment. I have so many of them, and I'm trying to sort through things, but it's driving me crazy! At times, I feel the best way to mend this is to just keep working through it and cross things off my to-do list, and other times I feel it's best to just sit back and watch (insert t.v. I've been marathoning here) while knitting, learning how to solve the Rubik's cube or another equally handsy project.

 These are things I've piled on to my bed to pack up. Clothes and a Madame Alexander Cinderella doll. Yeah.

 Oh, and this is a fabulous, ancient dress. It's old and grey, and lovely. Where else could I wear this but New York?

 These are things I need to return to people. They are not mine, and I don't need to keep anything that's not mine when I leave. The debt-free relationship rule doesn't just have to do with paying back student loans.

 This is my office, mid-pack-adventure. It's a mess.

 My mom bought me this skirt. In fact, I'm probably one of the last 18-year-olds whose mother still buys most of her clothes. But if your mother was buying marvelous things like this, wouldn't you be pleased?

An old friend and a gift from a good friend.

 I like my friends, although I once again realized today that I think I like my old teachers more than most (not all, just most) of my friends.

Opera glasses and a vintage curling iron. What could be more fantastic?













Another development? I've decided what I'll do after my two years of acting immersion. I'll obviously try to pursue acting as a career, but I will be simultaneously obtaining a double major in bioengineering and psychology; I will experiment with stem cells as well as study the effects on the mind and quality of life. Then I'll get my PhD. I envision leaving the lab early one day to accept an Oscar. It's just what I envision, the details are subject to vary slightly.

Star Wars, Knitting, Vonnegut

Let me start off by saying that I sent in my housing deposit for the Academy last night, so basically...if I don't go at this point, I'll just be really embarrassed. And poorer. That being said, I'M GOING TO NEW YORK! It still feels weird to say that definitely, but like I said...this could all still fall through at any moment, so you should go buy a lollipop. They are homemade and delicious. http://www.etsy.com/shop/PipseyPops

Also, I'll be putting up homemade Norman Rockwell envelopes on Etsy soon. Here's a sneak peek!

Anyway, I have less then two weeks until move-in and I just got my reading list for the semester, which pretty much means I'm on overload. Ordinarily, I would have finished the reading list two weeks ago, and I would have been packed pretty much by the same time, not to mention all of the little things that I have to make (organic soap, a pencil pouch...you know, the usual stuff). My to-do list has gone from long to impossible within the past week. I've been adding new dreams and goals, and of course everything I need to do in order to be 120% prepared for the big apple. I wonder if when I become a native, I'll regret calling it that. I have been taking my mega-to-do-list and breaking it down day-by-day.
An example of a schedule for the day (this was today):

• Make a mini quote book. You know those little inspirational books filled with short quotes? Well, I want to make one. I have quotes on my wall, but sometimes I need a pick-me-up when I can't just glance up at posters in my office. This wasn't intended to be completed today; I just went ahead and jotted it down as a reminder. 

• Practice guitar. I've been slacking on this one. Didn't get around to it today, either.
• Meet George Lucas and Stan Lee. Once again, more of a reminder that this should happen sometime in the near future, but not today. (Note, complain to George Lucas about the lack of blondes in Star Wars. Come on, bud. Also, advocate Ms. Marvel's participation in one of the future Avengers movies...and then asking him kindly if I could be her.)
• Iron bags for "fabric".
• Watch Star Wars.
• Make or find/buy a Hero's Journey poster as it applies to Star Wars.
• Scan books from library and upload them to my computer.
• Make progress on Big Bang Theory viewing (I'm on season 3!)
• Print eBay label for my brother
• Babysit
• Go to work
• Call a school
• Call the dentist (I intend to go to New York cavity-free).
• Stop by the bank
• Stop by the library

The funny thing is, even when I plan out my to-do list for the day, it rarely helps accomplish anything related to my stress. I realize this. I am a silly person. I am also a warrior goddess though, so it's all good.

To justify my watching Star Wars: I recently bought a Star Wars lunchbox  instead of DIYing one, (I guess DingIM...Doing it myself), so I felt inspired, nay, obligated, to watch it. Plus, I learned a valuable lesson. I have always loved Princess Leia and aspired to have her courage and determination, but I realized that while I typically end up falling for Han Solo-types, I am more like Padme than Leia so I should probably find someone more like Anakin (I like their story better anyway). The funniest part is that I always liked Luke best. Oh well. This is all hypothetical anyway because I have decided I don't want to be in a relationship again until I'm debt-free, and I decided that by that point, I will probably have no interest in being in a relationship at all. I shall never marry and I will possibly adopt. Of course, this has only been my inclination for the past week, so it may change. May.
Other things I've added on to my goal list include learning Russian, German, Portuguese, Italian, Spanish, and French. Then I shall travel to Russia and Germany. The other places will have their chance too so if you're from one of those countries, fear not. I will make my way to you someday.

Important updates in my life. I read God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian last night in the tub. It was a short read. Mr. Vonnegut is from Indiana, so I sort of feel a kindred spirit (my grandparents met him! I don't know the whole story, so it could just be an awkward hello in the grocery store...or it could be that they met and went to tea and had a marvelous time but lost all contact) in him. I highly recommend the book.

I've also been knitting a lot lately. I'm working on a Slytherin scarf! It's marvelous (and huge!). At work, the kids saw me knitting and have been asking me to make things for them-some even joined in (God bless you, children)! I've made three headbands for little girls, and I have to say they are pretty stinkin' cute. I'll upload a picture when I get a headband on my sister's head rather than the kids at the day care.

Oh, and I bought a tool kit from Ikea. I will never ask anyone to come help me. I have my own hammer and wrench now.

Children, children

Okay, obviously I am currently desiring nothing more but to go to NYC, but I have to say...I LOVE my job! It might just be what I'd miss most if I actually go... Let me share a few anecdotes to show exactly why I love my job.

Last week, I started making a (SWEET) space ship at the Lego table with one of the little girls, and this group of little boys sat near by watching. The next day, I walked by and one of the kids said, "Excuse me, Miss Grace, will you be on our Lego team?" I have never been asked to be on someone's Lego team, so of course I was overjoyed and graciously accepted! And when I said yes, the group of boys audibly cheered!

Another boy told me that nothing ever lasts, and I told him that was true. His friend tapped on my shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but love lasts."

One of my favorite little boys has actually partially restored my faith in people. There is always a lot of superhero talk out on the playground, which usually leads to me being chased by 4-year-olds pretending to be the Avengers. I brought in my brand-spankin'-new Star Wars lunchbox which I just bought (it's one of the old, vintage tin kind), and the kids were super jealous. Anyway, today, I asked one of the little boys who his favorite superhero is and he pointed at me. Once again: day. made. Then later, when we were sitting for lunch, he stared off into space instead of eating his lunch. When I asked him if he was hungry he said, "Yes. But I'm very busy right now. I'm thinking." A few minutes of silence passed by, and he said very thoughtfully, "The air is shaped like a balloon." It was too cute.

I've already started looking at nanny jobs and daycare jobs in NYC- I need some way to pay the rent! To give you an update, I'm currently looking into selling my car and selling the Norman Rockwell envelopes I made last night. My mom is still hard at work on her lollipops too! If anyone hasn't looked yet, go check out Pipsey Pops on Etsy! You can even ask for customized lollipops! That's all, folks.