I'm going to spice things up with this lovely font.
I've been feeling a little less than awesome these past few days. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but it bums me out. The worst part is, I should be flying high as a kite right now. Monday night, I went to watch my roommate the jazz singer (not to be confused with the to-be cantor who wears black face from the very first talkie) at a wine and chocolate bar with some really cool, fun people. Last night, one of my flatmates (you can tell I've been living with Europeans) took me to see Phantom of the Opera because she got free tickets. I am very happy with both of those things, and I'm definitely falling more and more in love with life every single day. I just think that personally, I've gotten my priorities confused, once again. It's kind of a running theme, my tragic flaw. Priorities. I rely too much on my gut and feelings. Maybe it's not my priorities though. Maybe it's because my roommate sang "Nature Boy" and when she got to the line "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return", I...no, maybe it was in Phantom when "All I Ask of You" started playing and everything came rushing back to me and then for the first time in my life, I saw the phantom as a monster (before that moment, I have always been desperately in love with the phantom) and wanted to yell at him towards the end at being stupid for not realizing what he had done until it was too late.
I really do love my life here. It's wonderful, a dream, everything I could wish for. I don't even know what else to say. I can't express what I'm feeling right now. It's frustrating to struggle with putting feelings into words, and yet I have this problem quite often. Today in acting class, we did an exercise where we lied on the ground with the lights off. We were instructed to think of a funny moment and then laugh when signaled; a sad moment and then say one word associated with it over and over, and the same with an angry moment. Eventually we would quickly go back and forth through the emotions-talk about mood swings. It was good to release all of those emotions though. I need to take my work here more seriously though. I am going to incorporate that exercise into my daily warm-up. I cannot keep letting my feelings get in the way of my success, which is something I've always struggled with. I've always been a very selfless actor-I let other people steal the scene, I try to highlight other people. It's time that I take what I need out of this program without worrying about everyone else. I need to release my emotions and leave them there, in my acting class. I'll pull them out when I need them and when I'm ready, which I mistakenly thought I was. I feel very bitter having written all of this out, but I have to remind myself that I'm allowed to focus on myself from time to time.
I just realized how disorganized this post is. I don't know why I thought Phantom and Nature Boy were relevant, but I just had to get it out there. My heart breaks for the boy who won't jump when he falls in love, and maybe that's just been on my mind too much lately. My heart needs to toughen up.
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